For years, I’ve read the wonderful family recap letters that people send out with their holiday cards and I’ve always marveled at every family’s terrific sense of perspective and self-awareness. So, even though as a comic, I value the sense of mystery an audience feels when they don’t know their performer too well, I thought this year we’d pull the blanket off the Goldstein family and expose ourselves to you.
On behalf of my wife Enchante and our two fantastic kids Shoshanna and Bug, and of course our turtle Shelley, a most personal and individual greeting to each of you. Here’s what we’ve been up to:
As a family we’ve all been very busy with the goat rescue group we founded a few years ago. Billy’s Buddies is growing every year and we fully expect some day to make goats as plentiful and well managed as America’s cat population. As we like to say, “Baa is good!”
This year we all really got into military reenactment. It’s a terrific hobby, because on the modern battlefield, there’s a role for pretty much everyone in the family regardless of age. Over the summer we did the Invasion of Grenada (I didn’t get to be brave or smart, I was one of the medical students) in a field in Pennsylvania, because if you close your eyes just right, Gettysburg looks a lot like the Island of Grenada during Operation Urgent Fury.
Enchante had a great inaugural year as an Amway representative although we’re still waiting on that pink Cadillac. I know sometimes Amway gets a bad rep as some kind of coercive pyramid scheme, but after living it for a year, we know it’s just a wonderful geometric way to pass on the benefits of bulk buying to literally everyone you’ve ever met. Ok, I’ll tell them. Enchante just nudged me with her good elbow the way she does when she can see me. If you haven’t received a call from her yet, please don’t be insulted, she’s vowed to reach out to each and every one of our dear family and friends, or as we like to call you when we hit our knees and say our nightly prayers, our dear potential customers.
Bug just had a terrific year. Third grade was a snap after the terrific preparation he got in third grade last year. I taught him how to box because he was having a little trouble with a bully at school, which is unusual because he’s home-schooled, but at least he’s not coming upstairs with a bloody nose anymore. And he’s got a hell of a right cross. Watch out Mike Tyson. He’s an All-American boy all right. He loves his baseball on the radio, Barney on TV, and goat bratwurst on his plate.
Shoshanna (we call her Shoshie) is, what can I say? She’s just a free spirit who’s revved up and on-the go all the time. The doctor I see through my new health insurance plan prescribed roofies for her, just to even her out he says like some of his patients he’s met at rave parties, but I’ll tell you. It may have slowed her down but it sure as heck didn’t stop her. We get the roofies through Amway in Canada and really save a bundle. If you know Shoshie, you know she always has a new well thought out cause. In 2009 she stopped using regular honey and now only uses Wasp honey on her corn flakes in solidarity with bumble bees and Palestinians because she appreciates how the future of a regular beehive, like the Gaza Strip is completely subject to outside influences.
On a personal note. Even though comedy has proven to be completely recession-proof, if you’d like a gig of your own for your company, club, family, or religious sect; we’ll be able to squeeze you in. Just pick the date.
Have a wonderful New Year in 2010.